Recently I had to deal with something that drives me bonkers. My computer crashed and I had to call MSN for tech service. I cringe every time I have to look up the phone number because I know I might be spending an entire day on things I just don’t get. A polite tech guy answers and asks too politely “May I have your name, please?”
“OK, Booze, I’m going to walk you through the process.”
“My name is Buzz!”
By now we’re off to a bad start, or I am but I’d rather be called Booze than Willard.
“Let me tell you,” I confess up front, “I am extremely tech-challenged.”
“No problem, Booze, we can do this. What seems to be the trouble?”
I tell him it seemed to have crashed.
“No problem, Booze. I want you to start by removing the hard drive.”
“Is that the big gray thing?” I utter half-jokingly.
“Yes Booze, the big gray thing. You need to set it down flat on the upside.”
“Excuse me, can you tell me which side is up?” No joke.
“Yes Booze, the embossed logo will be on the top side.”
“Hey, I think I’ve got it!”
Long silence on my side of the world.”
“Do you want me to be?”
“Yes, of course, Booze. Just keep looking.”
“I’m looking; I’m looking…and what am I looking for again?”
“Do you see two circuit boards?”
“That’s OK, Booze, just keep looking,”
“How long do I get to look for them? Oh, wait a minute, do they look like 6-inch green rulers?”
“Well, yes Booze; very good!” he bellowed gleefully with a hint of relief.
“Now, Booze, we’re going to be looking for other pieces of equipment.”
“You’re kidding me?”
“No, Booze, I never joke on the job.”
“We must move on, Booze. What we are looking for now looks like a tiny mouse with funny ears.”
“You’re joshing me.”
“Never mind.” I commence looking again with a very long pause.
“Yeah, I’m still here.” By then we’d been at it for at least an hour.
“Booze, I will be leaving you for a few minutes but I’ll be back.”
“Hey, wait, where are you going? Don’t go, please don’t go. Sometimes you techs never come back when you say it’s for a few minutes.”
“I just have to check something out, Booze.”
I figure he’s taking a potty break, just getting away from me for a bit or he’s quit the job. Or maybe he’s heading for a pub for some booze to help tolerate the ‘Booze.’
“I’m back, Booze.”
“I missed you. Are we still friends?”
“Well, of course, Booze. Now we need to find one more device.”
“Oh why, can’t we just chat for a while?”
“Oh no Booze, we need to carry on.” I’m starting to really like the guy.
After three more hours I’m sitting in the midst of scattered pieces of equipment and he says
“Well, Booze, I need to transfer you over to a specialist.”
“Wait a minute, aren’t you a specialist?”
“Oh, no Booze, I am a tech support staff person.”
“You don’t like me, do you?”
He never loses his cool.
“Of course, Booze, I like you but I need to refer you to another staff person.
I went from Mumbai to Manila in seconds on a cell phone – that’s still magical enough for me – where I spent three hours being a ‘Booze’ again by messing with a specialist who finally told me he needed to reassign me to a higher authority. I figured he was referring to a source somewhere in the heavens. I think he gave up on me because I could never find the tiny mouse with the funny ears.
Finally I contacted my son-in-law who is an Internet Technician whom I hate to bother. He was able to detect and resolve the problem within twenty minutes. If he couldn’t do it I was prepared to take it to a twelve-year-old grandkid. When I did told her about it she laughed and inquired “Why didn’t you just buy a new computer, Grampa Booze!”